Watching: FRIDAY THE 13TH

Year: 2009

Rating: R

Director: Marcus Nispel

It boggles the imagination to watch a remake/reboot/re-whatever of what's become one of the most iconic slasher films of all time ... only to have the film come out feeling more like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre riff (only without the massacre, for in truth this is hardly a gory horror film by today's standards) than an update of Friday the 13th. After a mildly interesting opening dropping some hints as to the story of Jason and his mama, viewers are treated to a gaggle of college-aged goofs out hunting for a goldmine of a private marijuana plantation to swipe for their own and monetary benefit. Sadly, Jason finds them too, and dispatches the gang in typical slice-and-dice style ... before we fast-forward a couple weeks and land on another stereotypical bunch of hot, hormonal young adults, this time heading into the woods to spend the weekend at the ritzy-but-isolated cabin belonging to the parents of one of their number. This is when we also meet hunky Clay Miller (Jared Padalecki), a loner on a motorcycle distributing flyers regarding his sister, who went missing in the area (and was part of the original Scooby gang in the film's opening sequence). Clay goes toe to toe with Trent (Travis Van Winkle), the alpha male rich dude whose parents own the cabin - while, meanwhile, Jason Voorhees seems to live a hermetic existence in the woods that some of the local residents seem to be well aware of(!), until he kills a local yokel and dons his hockey mask for the first time, before turning his attention to the townies. Other than in the opening scene, Camp Crystal Lake is but a distant memory here; no camp counselors in sight either, and the filmmakers have even given Jason this creepy labyrinth of underground tunnels to live in, totally stripping Voorhees of his ethereal, supernaturally-evil vibe and bringing him down to The Hills Have Eyes level instead. No surprises and not particularly scary, with wafer-thin stock characters and not very creative killings, this Friday the 13th update is even a bigger dud than expected. 4/10 stars